Whenever something bad happens, keep calm, take a few deep breaths and shift the focus to something positive.

Yesterday was a bit of a rude awakening. It was the first time I had been out of the house by myself, or had any time alone, in over a month. I don’t practice a lot of healthy self-care habits, or have any at all most of the time. I live and breathe for my children, but I’m pretty sure that’s typical when you have small kids.

I went to a used bookstore for four hours. I’m not going explain why that was necessary, except to say that we are a homeschool family. And I went with a friend. It was a break from the norm, but it did leave me feeling a bit anxious and drained. I’m not used to that kind of activity.

Even worse than my leaving was my return home. Ellia was heartbroken when I left and I had to promise her some stickers and a book, which I did deliver on. My arrival home though? Both of my kids were thrilled, but I was not. I walked in and saw that my husband was sitting in front of the TV playing video games with his head phones on while the iPad was propped up playing movies for my kids. That’s how my husband parents when I’m not around.

Ellia, who cannot keep a secret, told me that she wished she had asked to go with me. She said she played games on the tablet and watched movies all day. I’m assuming Owen just watched movies. He was so fussy after he greeted me that I changed his diaper and put him down for a nap. He was exhausted.

I read books and played with Ellia for a little bit and then Corey started pushing me to watch a movie with him. I did not want to because I had not interacted much with Ellia that day and I knew she did not need anymore screen time. But, Corey wanted to relax. He had a hard day watching the kids, after all.

He ended up binge watching a show until he went to bed after 10pm. Me? Well, I had to attempt to appease everyone. I made the kids and I dinner, but after that, the evening was so stressful. The kids were so cranky, argumentative, and wound up. Corey was spiteful to say that he didn’t see any of that behavior while I was gone. He spent most of the evening, however, yelling at them to shut up, threatening to spank them, or actually spanking. It was soul crushing for me, and the kids.

Ellia took it upon herself to tell him not to spank because it made things worse. His response? If they behaved, did what they were told, and were good, it wouldn’t happen. I’m anti-spanking, have always been, and in the past, I’ve been screamed at for defending the kids when Corey wanted to raise his hand. And I’m always telling the kids that they can cry if they need to, or express their emotions, even if their dad threatens otherwise. I feel like a terrible mother, not protecting my kids from the negativity that is their dad. I resent him more every day.

Ellia had a meltdown when it was time for bed. It took quite a lot of time for her to wind down from that. But, I stayed with her, patiently letting her scream, kick, run, and rage it out in the privacy of her room. She eventually laid down next to me, all cried out. She was smiling again though, happy, before she went to sleep.

I know as well as any mother that screen time was to blame. There is a fine line with that. I know what else, or who, was also to blame, but I can’t do much about that. Except to not go out again without the kids. Tonight I’m supposed to go out for a birthday dinner with friends. I feel sick about it.

Expectation feeds frustration. It is an unhealthy attachment to people, things, and outcomes we wish we could control; but don’t.

Being a highly sensitive person myself, I take things personally, whether they are meant that way or not. I will dwell on bad news, attitudes, and words. They will consume my thoughts and sour my mood and feelings.

Yesterday was not a good day. I was sick, feeling weak, light headed, and nauseous. I had been up most of the night previously with chills, despite putting on a sweat shirt, sweatpants, and socks. I did not get much sleep, especially with both kids coming to wake me up at some point during the night.

It was not easy to get rest during the day with a two and four year old requiring attention, but I managed. I felt a bit better as evening approached, but the nausea remained. I was hoping to be able to sleep through the night, knowing full well that wasn’t likely. Owen woke up in the middle of the night and I struggled to fall back asleep. I had to get up and take magnesium to calm my restless legs. I decided to go back to Owen’s room because he was tossing and turning, which unfortunately meant a restless end of the night for me as well.

Also unfortunately, Corey came barging into Owen’s room this morning, half dressed. He said his alarm clock didn’t go off and he only woke up because his boss called. Just as I was about to commiserate with him, he tells me that I can’t be sleeping with the kids anymore because he needs help with this, obviously. This isn’t the first time he’s over slept but usually, my internal alarm clock wakes me up before it’s too late and I can get Corey out of bed.

The problem isn’t me, I know that. The problem is I am relied upon by everyone too much. My husband doesn’t need my help, he needs to help himself. Instead of hitting his snooze button repeatedly, which usually jolts me awake and forces me to lay there in anger, he needs to get up the first time it goes off. He also needs to own the fact that he actually did hit the snooze button because he showed me his set alarm last night before we went to bed.

It sucks that he was late to work, for the second time this week. The last time, which I also got the brunt of anger with, was because he forgot his wallet at home. That was the second time in a week he had done that, but the first time, he left it on his dresser. The second time, I noticed it laying on his dresser again the night before, so I put it in the kitchen key rack right by the door where we’re supposed to place our belongings. Bad call though because I failed to inform him that I put it there. So, even though he didn’t even realize his wallet was missing until he needed it at the gas station, and then had to come home for it, I was angrily lectured about moving his things.

I’m so tired. In so many ways. The fact that any blame was placed on me when I did absolutely nothing wrong, is infuriating. I really needed extra sleep this morning. I’m the only thing that keeps this family functioning and yet I’m the first one to be attacked when anything goes wrong.

You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.

I can count it as a small success that I’ve taught my daughter some sort of coping skill to deal with her feelings when she gets upset. The tantrums she has are usually very intense, more like rages. Even in the midst of her crying and screaming, she will beg me for help. She literally cannot calm herself down and does not want me to do anything despite her requests otherwise. Most of the time, the situation escalates until she makes herself sick or almost so. It’s like she just needs to keep going until all of the bad feelings leave her body, one way or another.

A few days ago, I let the kids each bring home a character-themed stress ball from the clearance section at the store. I hadn’t considered any other purpose to them except as a toy that would bring temporary entertainment and that would ultimately be left in the car or a toy basket.

Ellia asked to sleep with hers though and asked what the point was of squeezing it. I explained that some people use them when they get upset, to squeeze their anger out. She was very interested in the concept. Lately, I’ve been encouraging her to hit a pillow or kick the bed if she’s close to one while she’s in the middle of a tantrum, but I’ve never felt comfortable with anger being expressed that way, from anyone. She’s always looked to me while doing it too, I think to make sure that what she is doing is okay.

This was a long weekend, both figuratively and literally, because there was a holiday which gave my husband three days off of work. Our routine was off course, which is always difficult for Ellia. She’s been staying in her room or in the den, the room where she does her homeschooling or goes to play by herself, a lot. It’s gated, and quiet, and no one is pestering her. She is still apart of what’s going on though, sharing her art, talking to whoever is in ear shot, or just listening.

So when my husband spent the last three days mainly playing video games, she was paying attention. He often gets upset. The first time it happened, she grabbed her stress ball and handed it to him, explaining that he should squeeze it to get his anger out. Almost every time after that, she asked him if he would like the stress ball. It worked for diffusing the situation and showed that she not only recognized anger, but understood what could be done to cope with it.

She has yet to use the stress ball for herself, but I am hoping it will progress to that. I’d like for her to find something that helps when she is in those emotionally charged moments.

Great is the guilt of an unnecessary war.

Late yesterday afternoon, we had a situation here that I did not like.

We had planned to go to the store together as a family, as it is easier to make a big box store run with two adults rather than one when you have two small children. When my husband got home, however, the youngest was still taking his nap, so I continued hanging out one-on-one with my oldest for awhile. She had fair warning that we would be leaving soon.

When it was time to get ready to go, she was quite cranky. That’s not unexpected for this time of day, but I probably did more pushing than I should have. In my mind, I was attempting to have her move as quickly as possible without setting off a meltdown because I knew my husband wanted to leave as soon as possible. He told me as much.

Picking out a sweater was difficult for her. Going to the bathroom required extra time with more shouts of “I can do it!” from her. Actually getting her socks from her room to the bench where she puts them on? Definitely not speedy or without complaining. Having her attempt to put on her jacket without help when it was not on correctly? Increasingly frustrating. And then she asked us not to watch her. I attempted to explain her tiredness. That is when my husband lost his patience.

He screamed at her. She began crying. I tried to intervene, asked Corey to put Owen in the car, explained that Ellia needed to do it herself. He yelled at his daughter, as he usually does when he gets upset, “do you want a spanking?!” I stepped between them and asked that he not threaten her. That always escalates her crying. He stomped away, loudly cursing at me, shouting that I had no idea how difficult this was for him, always being the bad guy. And then he threw something.

Owen was crying, terrified. Ellia was sobbing. And then their dad stormed out of the house. I picked up Owen, sat down next to Ellia, and all she kept saying was that she was scared. I attempted to calm her down, get her socks and shoes on. Corey came back in to see if Ellia was getting ready and attempted to get Owen to put him in the car, but he had a death grip on my neck and said, “no, I want Mommy.” So, Corey stormed off again.

It didn’t take long to get out to the car at that point, but we were all miserable. Ellia fell asleep soon after I started driving, as did Corey. He didn’t speak to any of us, preferring the cold shoulder, for most of the trip. It was uncomfortable and stressful. And I felt guilty, ashamed.

Later, Corey told me that Ellia apologized for her behavior. I didn’t ask if he did the same with her.

A mother understands what a child does not say.

How do you cohesively parent when your spouse has the exact opposite parenting style? How do you consider it a partnership when your spouse is mostly absent, physically and emotionally?

I’m an authoritative mother, attempting to be both positive and firm. I try to treat my kids with respect and listen to their wants and needs. I balance being a friend with an authority figure. After all, I would like to raise confident adults who feel loved.

My husband, conversely, expects the children to be seen and not heard. He wants constant respect and obedience. There is no “kids will be kids” when he is around. No running. No screaming. No fighting. No toys scattered on the floor. When he is home from work, the kids are limited on what they can do. My husband is authoritarian.

He is also mostly uninvolved. Rarely does he take it upon himself to play with the kids. Generally, he spends his time home from work either in the garage or in front of the TV. If the kids are too loud or get in front of his viewing area, he yells. He threatens, usually with a spanking. He complains that he is always the “bad guy”, that I’m too soft on the kids, that they require punishment.

As a stay at home mom, homeschooling, you have a lot of responsibilities. Society will lead you to believe there is a stigma behind that. But ultimately, you are everything to everyone–mother, teacher, friend, confidant, personal assistant, house keeper, accountant, etc. It’s exhausting, draining. You are underappreciated. I feel that way, at least.

My kids are my life, literally. I don’t have much sense of self anymore. Even the things I enjoy doing, like reading, writing, and hiking, all involve my children. To me, that’s a part of being a parent, especially when they are small. You make that sacrifice so that they have a better future. Or at least a better childhood.

It is incredibly difficult to feel like you are not only on a completely different page than your spouse, but a different book. No matter how many parenting books I read, how much I research, I am never in the right. I know my husband feels the same. He frequently gets upset when I ask him to try to be more gentle or patient. He is quick to anger. He yells, he sometimes throws things, and often scares the kids and makes me feel submissive. I hate it. I hate myself for the way it makes us all feel.

Nature holds the key to our aesthetic, intellectual, cognitive and even spiritual satisfaction.

When I was a kid, I used to sit outside on my back porch and cry when the struggles of life became too much.

As a teenager, I unknowingly hiked through the forests of Costa Rica with a severely torn ACL in my knee.

Once, in Southern California, I did a night hike and I had to carefully navigate through the light of my head lamp in order to avoid stepping on scorpions.

When I deployed on the Pacific Ocean, I often had to have someone accompany me on the flight deck to be sure the winds off of the ocean did not blow my body overboard.

Why?

Nature gives me peace. It’s my safe place. As cautious as I am, the outdoors–with all of its uncertainty–does not scare me. I may get nervous by taking risks, but the natural world is energizing. Rejuvenating.

I would like for my children to feel the same way. That’s not easy with a highly sensitive child. As much as she is like me, she does not find the same joy in exploring outside. It’s understandable. The sensory overload of, well, everything can be too much, especially when you’re covered by it or surrounded. It’s unfamiliar and intimidating when it is new. Being wet, cold, dirty, hot–even just a little–can be a big deal to anyone, but to the HSP/HSC, it’s all-encompassing. I do not want to push, or project my own anxieties, but that is a struggle. I don’t want her to miss out on what could be the best means of coping.

I will keep trying, keep encouraging. That’s all I can do. She will make her own path and it may not be anything like mine. And that’s okay.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Owen

Dear Owen,

Not sure how it happened, but you are now two years old! Full of energy and personality, you are definitely the one to light up the room in any given situation. You feel deeply and know how to express it. You frequently act silly and you love giving hugs and kisses, but will throw a kick or punch when you are upset.

Fear is not something you are familiar with as you do not let anything hold you back from getting what you want. Climbing, jumping, running—it all comes easily to you. It is not rare to find you amongst kids that are much larger, keeping up all the same. And you are rather tiny for your age, in both height and weight, so that is an accomplishment.

Over the last year, we’ve settled into our new surroundings. We moved into a new house and have made lots of new friends. We have gone on lots of adventures, exploring trails in the outdoors along with some fun indoor activities. You tend to roll with the changes, although you are pretty vocal about your unhappiness when the mood strikes. It is easy to distract you and flip your smile back on, often with promises of food. You sure do like to snack!

So, you, my brave, intense, comedic little guy are on your way to becoming your own person with lots and lots of opportunities ahead. Already you have grown and changed in so many ways and it will be entertaining, and probably challenging, to see the many more ways in which you will develop. I look forward to chasing after you in the days ahead! I love you!

Love,
Mom

Happy 4th Birthday, Ellia

Dear Ellia,

Not sure where this year went, but it has passed by quickly and you are another year older! You have grown taller and smarter and have developed quite a personality for someone so young! Talkative and opinionated, you definitely love to take charge and make your own decisions. You are incredibly creative and enjoy crafting and cooking and just about anything that allows you to “do your own thing”! You have become a bit more cautious and outspoken, but you are always trying to be polite and kind. You are always inclusive with others, but know when you need some quiet time to yourself to recharge. I am incredibly proud of the individual you are becoming.

We finally settled down this year and moved into our house in Alabama. You have gotten used to your new surroundings here, but you still talk about some of the things you miss about the old house and California. I think you will always remember the beach fondly and going to the farmer’s market every week, but you have lots of new memories to hold onto here as well.

We made some new friends and have found some new places to explore. We are also trying out homeschooling, so you have lots of time to play and learn at your own pace. There have been several occasions we have spent at playgrounds, parks, the creek, and other indoor and outdoor areas that you have enjoyed learning and socializing.

You still carry over some favorites from your “younger” years, like your enjoyment of drawing, pretend play, and nature exploring. You and Owen often play dress up together or dance around the house and we frequently chase each other around. You also continue to suck your thumb, but you’re working on that as best you can! You are also quite the picky eater these days, mostly enjoying fruit, noodles, and rice, but you usually offer up a polite bite of the healthy stuff too. The three-nager years didn’t bypass you either and you ran into quite a few tantrums and attitude-filled moments, though you always apologized for rude behavior. You are a sweet girl and people often compliment you on that.

I can’t tell you enough how lucky we are to get to spend everyday with you. It’s been a real joy to watch you grow and emerge into your own little person this year and I hope you continue to be just as strong, brave, and kind in the next. I love you!

Love,

Mom

Happy 1st Birthday, Owen

Dear Owen,

Happy 1st birthday, O-Man! What a year it has been! So many changes, both with you and our lives, have happened!

You, my demanding little guy, have definitely brought some extra action into our world. You are curious, mischievous, sensitive, and particularly loud! You are also suspicious of strangers, more than willing to climb anything, determined to take anything apart, and an avid fan of hugs and kisses.

This month was our last full month living in our temporary home, a studio apartment. You have been quite a handful there, as you love to open drawers and climb on whatever you can, which is just about everything when you live in one giant room!

We spent a little over a week, both prior to and a little bit after your birthday, at Mommom and Pop’s house in Pennsylvania. The drive was long, about 13 hours, and I can’t say you were all that thrilled with sitting in your car seat, but that’s nothing new! You were a little unsure of all of the new people, but you soon warmed up and smiled at everyone. You especially loved Mommom!

We spent Thanksgiving at Uncle Brandon and Aunt Nicole’s house. This was the first time you met them and your cousins Xander, Paxton, and Roxy, and this trip was also the first time you met Aunt Aubrey and cousins Harry and Hendrix. You liked seeing all of the kids, and especially enjoyed played with their toys. Doctor toys were your favorite and pretend food (you do love to eat). Everyone was quite impressed with your appetite, by the way!

Your birthday “party” was spent with all of your family and new extended family, except for Ellia who wasn’t feeling well and slept on the couch. You enjoyed ripping open all the paper from your presents and inspecting the boxes. The singing of “Happy Birthday” made you quite pensive and you suspiciously looked around at everyone without crying. The birthday cake, however, impressed you quite a bit and you were more than happy to devour a whole slice of cake with your hands!

Soon we will be living in a new house and you’ll have much more room to explore! Your adventurous personality is sure to enjoy that! I hope that you continue to love life, laughing more than crying, with maybe a little more sleep, please! I love you!

Love,

Mom

Happy 3rd Birthday, Ellia

Dear Ellia,

You are now three years old! The past year was full of lots of changes, some welcome and some unwelcome in your eyes! You have grown so much, and not just in size. Your personality is still developing it’s own unique spirit, but you have really become an individual, one that is different from a year ago. Like any toddler, you experience highs and lows! You love to sing and dance and also to cuddle and rest. You have a temper and get frustrated easily, but you are so very loving and always ask for hugs and kisses.

Imaginative is a great word to describe you. Figurines are still some of your favorite toys, along with anything that allows you to sing along or learn. Playing make believe either with someone else or alone is the best way you stay entertained! You also enjoy coloring for short bursts, or anything creative, really. Being outdoors is a huge thrill for you, as you love searching for new treasures. Honestly, you are all over the place!

Our home life had some changes this year! You and I spent a lot of time together, just the two of us, since your dad traveled a lot for work. And then, when you were a little more than two and a half, your brother Owen was born. Dad was still traveling a lot, so the three of us developed a new routine. You were a great big sister from the beginning, excited to help and interact with this new family member. You love to mimic all of my mothering!

About a month or two before you turned three, our house was packed up and put in storage and we moved across country from California to Alabama! We did a three day car trip, stopping in Missouri to visit with Dad’s family for a few weeks, before settling into our temporary housing situation–a studio apartment in Madison, Alabama. It was a tough adjustment for you, as you missed having a routine and all of your stuff. Temper tantrums were frequent, but you eventually accepted our new normal. The good news is that we did the move because your dad was retiring from the military, so we weren’t going to be apart so much anymore.

So, my little Ellie-Bean is not so little anymore! I get a bit sad to think of how big you are now, but also happy at the same time. You’ll understand that someday, I’m sure! I’m very proud of the person you are becoming, which is a “big boy” as you like to say! Be whatever you want to be, so long as you are happy! I look forward to the next year, watching you do and be even more! I love you!

Love,

Mom