Well, hello there.

I finally made it back from deployment a few days ago.  I’d rather forget that experience as a whole, but I know it’s something I’ll never repeat again.  Though the actual trip home was extremely long and pretty disastrous, I’m glad to be at the end point.  I did get to spend a couple of days in Alaska too even if it was slightly boring.  That’s what happens on unplanned trips though.  I’m in San Diego now, back where I belong, and my lost luggage is finally back in my possession.  All’s well, I suppose.

Now that I’m back, things are going to start changing again.  I only have a little while before I start my first of two leave periods that will eventually take me to the end of my enlistment in the Navy.  I’m looking forward to that, but I know I have a lot to prepare for in the future.  School will once again be the top priority and I’ll hopefully finish up my remaining 30 or so credits in about a year’s time.  I’d like to find a full time job somewhere, but I’m really not going to stress that fact right away. 

I’m sure I’ll develop more plans as I get settled into my surroundings again.  It’s a little unnerving coming home after so long and seeing so much that has changed and then so much that has stayed the same.  It really is like I’ve never gone anywhere, or at least not as far as I have, and then I see all of the things I’ve missed out on and it puts everything back into perspective.  I guess I just have to get used to life again.

I don’t know when my next update will be, but I’ll try to get back into the habit of updating, if only to keep a written memory of things for myself. 

Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.

I now have solid validation that work really is what gets me so down in the dumps.  With just five days of leave, two of which were weekend days that I took only so I wouldn’t get called into work, I felt pretty normal.  I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t feeling like I was tempted to find the nearest bridge to jump off of.  The only bad thing is that I wish I had more days like that, and I know I won’t get them.  I won’t get leave for Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or New Year’s because I work with selfish people who don’t believe in being fair.  It really is that simple.

I would really like to go to Medical, just to get myself checked out.  I know my anxiety level is through the roof–that’s evident in my shaky hands and paranoia.  I am starting to worry about this constant nausea I’ve been having, along with frequent vertigo.  I know none of those are signs of a healthy person, but unlike most people, I care about leaving my co-workers short handed.  So no matter how sick I could be or how badly I do not want to go on deployment, I probably won’t get any help for myself.  I’m that person–walk all over me.

As for my parents’ visit here, they seemed to have had a good time.  They went all over San Diego while I was working and then Corey and I took them to Mount Soledad, La Jolla, and then I took them to Seaport Village and Balboa Park.  I wish we could have done more, seen more, but with the way my schedule was up in the air, I was afraid to plan anything too outstanding.  I felt bad about that.

Well, I think I’m going to go to the bank and then over to one of the other bases to buy my new working uniform.  I’m working nights again tonight, which I find to be rather silly since it means I’ll only be working one night this week.  I am bummed that I am going to miss Corey’s softball playoffs tonight, but I really wasn’t planning on being able to make it anyway.  My hopes are always enthusiastically high.

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.

I do realize that I only post in one of the following two circumstances: to brag or to nag.  While I’ve had each of those cases arise over the last couple of weeks, I just did not get around to writing.  Call me lazy, if you will.

My parents arrived in San Diego on Tuesday night and I’ve only had a chance to see them for a few hours–last night for dinner at Olive Garden.  I’ve been working a lot more this week than what I’d been told I was going to have to.  In fact, I’m actually working the night shift tonight, which really messes up two consecutive days.  Good times. 

And, I was also told yesterday that I may have to commercially fly to New York on Sunday so that I can run an operational test on a new aircraft we are picking up and then flying back.  The return flight on a helicopter is at a snails pace, really, so I probably wouldn’t return until Monday or possibly Tuesday.  That would totally kill any leave time I was planning on taking to see my parents while they are actually here.  I just don’t understand why my leave was approved in the first place if it was going to cause such an upheaval.  My LPO did give me the day off tomorrow and said he’d let me know for sure if the New York thing was going to happen.  Well, it better not, or I am going to be even more disgruntled than I already am with this place.

If I get to take leave, I’m checking out tomorrow afternoon and won’t be back to work until Thursday.  Corey and I are supposed to drive up to LA with my parents this weekend for some site seeing, and I do not know what the rest of the time entails.  Speaking of Corey, my parents liked him.  I think he made a good impression, which I’m thankful for.  He’s pretty hard not to like, but I’m probably bias.

So, the next week is pretty much up in the air for me until I hear some definites tomorrow.  I hate being in limbo.

Say it ain’t so.

It’s really difficult to come up with something substantial to write when I have so much that I want to touch on.  I’ll stick with the highlights, or low lights, depending on whether or not you see the glass as half full or empty.

Upon a very short notice, I spent last week basking in the sauna that is El Centro.  My new command decided to do a detachment out there even though almost everyone was out on the boat doing work-ups.  A few of us who stayed back from the boat drove to El Centro to meet with those who were flown out from the boat.  We worked mainly from about noon until the early morning hours, enjoying the 100+ degree weather.  That’s a bit warm for my taste.  The temperature wasn’t even the worst of it for me.  Being that I’m still new and trying to find my footing, I felt really out of place among this group of strangers.  I have a hard enough time as it is fitting in when I’m around people I do know, but to throw me into that atmosphere really makes me uncomfortable.

The biggest thing weighing on my mind right now is the fact that Corey leaves on Friday morning for thirty days of leave.  He’s doing a road trip that includes picking up his son…the son I’ve never mentioned in writing before.  To be honest, I try not to think about that fact, which probably sounds rather…mean, insensitive?  It’s a touchy subject, on my end, but I try really hard not to let it bother me especially since I know that Corey’s son means the world to him. 

I’ve been dreading this summer for the last couple of months.  Actually, I’m dreading the next year or so.  Every single time I think about going on deployment or any kind of detachment, I get really upset.  I don’t know if I’m just anxious about being somewhere unfamiliar or if I’m worried about what all of this time apart means for the still-slightly-new relationship between Corey and me.  We hit our six month mark at the end of this month, practically right in the middle of the time he’ll be gone.  It tears me up to know that we’re losing all of this time together–not just in the near future, but continuously.  I’ve got a string of detachments lined up and then a deployment that starts in January.  And I have no way of knowing for sure if I’m going to have my happily ever after.

So, that’s all pretty depressing.  I’m going to be flying solo at home for a while and hating every minute I spend at work.  I’ll have plenty of time to do chores around the new house though, so maybe I’ll have something to preoccupy my uneasy mind.

A blessing or a curse…

Ugh, my flight is late tomorrow morning. I really, truly do not want to go home, whatsoever. Just thinking about it puts me in a real funk. It was pointed out to me multiple times today how down I seemed, how unlike myself I was acting, and how I was radiating anxiety. Well, that’s how I act when I’m at home; I’m a completely different person than who I really am. I did appreciate all of the efforts that were made to try and cheer me up though. It’s nice to have people around who let me know they care.

Going back to Pennsylvania is not usually a pleasant experience for me. It’s not that I don’t enjoy seeing my family, but I don’t like revisiting my past and all of the bad memories and feelings that come along with it. I think way too much because of the lack of things to do. I don’t have a million things to keep me busy like I do when I’m in San Diego. That’s not a healthy state for me–being stationary.

If I at least attempt to be positive, the crush is probably driving me to the airport. I’ll have something to smile about for a little while tomorrow.

Something this broken is hard to fix.

I think my leave officially starts on Thursday after work, but that’s something I need to look into. I’ve been trying not to think about the fact that I’m going home to avoid the bad feelings that usually accompany that particular trip. I have enough going on here in San Diego that I actually would rather stay here. Then again, being that I’m single, I’d probably feel just as bad here as I will at home. It’s probably lose-lose.

If I sound snarky, I apologize. I’m currently blaming that on another external hard drive failure. The one I bought in January just bit the dust a couple of days ago, but at least this time, it’s still under warranty. I bought another one anyway, this one specific to media files, in the hopes that maybe I’ll get lucky on the third time around. I’m going to send back my current broken one and get a replacement and just keep it as a back up hard drive for my new hard drive. Yes, a back up for the back up. I really am that obsessive compulsive.

Speaking of obsessions, I’ve got a really big one involving this guy I’ve been crushing on. It’s bad. And very unlike me considering A) he’s more than just a few years older than me, B) I not only work with him, but for him since he outranks me, and C) I don’t think he has anything other than friendship feelings for me. I’m the type of girl who usually dates someone because they want to date me. If I really think about that, that’s probably why it never works out. Hello, obviousness.

I don’t know that it would be wise to pursue this at all, as much as I’d like to, and as much as I think we’d be a great match. I’m too shy to bring it up anyway. However, I did make a very tiny effort by sending him a Christmas card. That was me putting myself out there. haha.

By the way, I’m about 99% sure that the “thing” with Chris is completely done on my end. I really did get the closure I was looking for and I don’t have romantic feelings for him anymore. At all. Sure, he’s nice to look at, but I don’t foresee myself pursuing, or wanting, anything serious, and I do want something serious. I’ve wanted something serious, but the opportunity wasn’t there. A man has yet to knock my socks off, so to speak. A new year is ahead though, and I’m thinking positively.

“Tell me whom you love and I’ll tell you who you are.” – Arsene Houssaye

The upside of being down.

The good news is that I got an email this morning telling me that my first Physics class was canceled. It was supposed to be tonight and I was slightly dreading the information I would have missed, but now I don’t need to sweat it. Also, the two places I tried to order the textbook from didn’t have it in stock, so I’m hoping that the third time’s the charm and I’ll receive it before the next class.

As for the bad news, because one can’t be had without the other where I’m concerned, I got a call from work when I went to sit down for dinner. It turns out that I was scheduled for a flight tomorrow morning. While I had no idea I was going to get to fly again, I’m still disappointed that I’m missing out on it. I guess getting to have this flight is because I qualified as a Place Captain..? Well, one of the guys from my shop was next in line, so he gets to take my spot and I’ll be rescheduled for a later time.

Tomorrow is my last full day here at home, and I’ll be rising early to catch my flight back to good ol’ SoCal on Thursday. I probably won’t post anymore until I get back out there, unless something overly dramatic happens.

All is a game, and you have to play.

For lack of anything to do in my shop today, I took my 310 (Line Shack) CDI test. I’m obsessed with finding all of the answers in the publications, and with getting 100%, so I took a little longer than I wanted to. I only got one answer wrong, so I can’t really complain. That CDI should be finished now, so I just need to take my 12C (Corrosion) CDI test and then I can route both of those at the same time. Hopefully, I won’t have to do another walk around and I can submit these things before August rolls in.

Curtis came by last night so we could look up houses that were for rent in the area. Unfortunately, Craig’s List was down, just like another website we all know and love. *cough* So, instead of hunting for ads, we went and saw I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, which was pretty good, but not quite as funny as I was expecting. I’m now waiting for Curtis to appear again tonight so that we can take another shot at looking for a new pad.

Hm, what else..? Oh, leave. I’m going back to Pennsylvania for 9 “fun-filled” days of boredom. Seriously though, I have no idea what I’m going to be doing during all of that time. My mom said to bring home some of my Navy memorabilia so that my sister-in-law and I could start on the scrapbook I’ve been wanting to make. I also told my mom I’d take her on a photography outing so that she could get a little more experienced with her camera, and so that I can use my new telephoto lens that I hope to get in the mail before I catch my flight out of here. I may try to go to my aunt’s house in Bethany Beach (Delaware), for a day or two, just to escape the norm. And all of that will fill up, like, what, four days? hah. That’s dreadful.

She’s on the coast of somewhere beautiful…

I was under the impression that I was going to be awarded my air warfare wings today at Quarters. That was the only thing I could come up with when my named showed up on the awardee list, and I thought it was the most obvious choice since I got them last week. I had forgotten that I was never awarded my Blue Jacket of the Month from April. While I was up there, the CO said, “You know what this means? .. Of the Month, ..Of the Quarter, ..Of the Year.” and then he threw in a over-exaggerated nod. Yes, Sir, that’s the plan…I hope. Technically, I can’t really complain about any of this because an award is an award, but I really wanted those wings. And I’m tired of people pointing out the fact that I need to stop getting awards at Quarters and making everyone else look bad. Sorry..?  Though it was funny when my DIVO was in the shop and asked what I was going to do next, after finishing all of the stuff I’ve been working on.  One of my co-workers answered for me, “The same thing she does every day, Sir: try to take over the world.  She’s just that motivated; it makes me look like I’ve achieved nothing in my life.”

I’m planning on doing my CDI walk around tomorrow. I sort of slacked on studying yesterday and went to the beach with Lisa instead, so I didn’t feel all that prepared when I went into work this morning. Everyone else made a big deal about that just because of who I am–overly motivated and all. Even though they were joking, I was a little disappointed in myself. I want this qual and I’m slacking on it. It’s the last goal I have at work right now, for the most part. There’s another CDI I can get fairly easily, but I’m more worried about my rate-specific one. Tomorrow. I will do it tomorrow; I’m putting my foot down.

I put in my request for leave today. If all goes as planned, which it should, I’ll be back home in Amish country from August 1st to the 9th. My leave will start on the 31st of July, but I won’t actually catch my flight until early the next morning. So while I won’t be churning butter or riding in any horse and buggies, I will be enjoying real nature and spending some time with my family. Hopefully all of that flight time will be worth it, more so than the last time.

…and I’m totally freaked out over my horoscope. Not every day can be a great day — after all, don’t you think you would eventually get tired of smiling, tired of having no challenges, and tired of meeting no resistance? Learning to balance your life is impossible unless you experience all the highs and lows that the universe has to offer you. Embrace any ‘bummers’ that come your way today — they keep you focused, they keep you driven, and — in the end — they keep you happy (believe it or not). So Scary; it even used my token word of “bummer”. *shifty eyes*

Rise and fall.

Being that I’ve gone through some serious, and self-defining, changes lately, I decided to break out the astrology. I was born on the cusp (on the border of two astrological signs) of Capricorn and Aquarius, and I’ve spent most of my life ping-ponging between each “personality”. I’ve found that since joining the Navy, I’ve been, hands down, a Capricorn. Since I had some spare time (hah, I know, the sky is falling.), I did a little research and found some overwhelming evidence to support the fact that there is no way I’m an Aquarius anymore. I also found some great tips, and insights, to those looking to understand me a bit better.