You are doomed to make choices. This is life’s greatest paradox.

I feel like my husband and I are weird, like we’re different from other couples. We don’t socialize like normal people. I mean, he has his friends from work and I have…well, none. We just don’t have other couples that we hang out with in our free time. No going out to dinner or out for drinks. No meeting up with friends for trips or hobbies. No time with friends that we share. Period. They don’t exist.

On the rare occasions that we do go out with other people, it’s usually me tagging along in a third wheel type scenario where I’m the only woman. My husband likes to say that I’m not the odd man/woman out because he wants me there, but I can’t help but feel awkward in those situations. I mean, really, I’m only going along to spend time with my husband who doesn’t end up spending time with me anyway. It’s a catch 22.

So, when a weekend rolls around and we’ve made no plans or have a block of time that’s open, we end up sniping at each other about being bored. Why? Because I want to spend time with my husband and he wants to spend time with me, but I don’t want to do what he wants to do and he doesn’t want to do what I want to do. It’s like, suddenly, we have no hobbies in common anymore. We’re both so miserable here in Southern California, so sick of the same drab scenery and excess of people, that we don’t want to go out to the same spots over and over again, but don’t want to stay locked indoors. I, especially, hate being stuck inside on the weekends because that’s where I am most of the other days during the week. I go stir crazy.


I’m just at a loss as to what to do. My husband says I’m not holding him back from what he wants to do, and he’s definitely not doing that to me, and yet we’re both not doing anything–together. With that said, what is normal? How much time do other couples spend together? What do they do? How do I stop these intermixing feelings of suffocation and loneliness?


11 thoughts on “You are doomed to make choices. This is life’s greatest paradox.

  1. AMargaretV

    My husband and I don’t have many hobbies in common either so we sometimes find our selves with weekends like that. I prefer for him to go out one day and do his stuff while I do mine, and them meet up for dinner and spending the evening together watching a movie at home or something…rather than spending the whole day together just sitting around being bored.

    1. cautiouscrow Post author

      Well, I’m glad that we don’t sound too weird then! 🙂 It seems to be so much less stressful when we’re both able to get stuff taken care of separately rather than dragging the other person along.

  2. posting2

    I completely agree. I used to think that it was a bad thing that my husband and I had different interests. It became blatantly clear when we moved to norther Quebec where the only thing to do are outdoor sports, and I’m not an outdoorsy kind of person (at least not extreme sports which is very popular here). I was worried at first, but after a time I found freedom in accepting that we are different. So now on the weekends, while I do yoga at home or with friends, my husband does his own thing, we meet up later for dinner and a movie. I find we don’t bicker any longer, and we find enjoyment in seeing the other so happy. I personally think it makes for a healthier relationship :).

    1. cautiouscrow Post author

      I’m glad to hear that you and your husband benefit from embracing separate hobbies! I think I was just worried about taking that leap, that the time apart would be detrimental. Feeling forced into doing things with someone isn’t exactly a beneficial use of time in the long run, I guess! 🙂

  3. madelinistical

    My husband and I just moved to San Diego from Seattle! He’s in the Navy and we are in the same exact boat as yall!!! We don’t really know anyone down here except for my husband’s coworkers. I’m unemployed and dying of boredom. My husband works all week so when weekends come all he wants to do is veg out! It’s definitely causing a lot of friction in our marriage. Meeting other couples are age is so hard. We’re both only 22 and most people our age are big party animals. We like to have fun and drink a little but not like the crazy club goers we seem to meet. Hopefully we both find a happy medium in the near future. I’m thinking of volunteering just so I don’t lose my sanity!

    1. cautiouscrow Post author

      Ugh, I completely understand. It’s tough not knowing anyone else around here especially during this unemployed phase (volunteering aside). Sometimes, I just want to get out of the house and I don’t feel comfortable going everywhere on my own all. the. time. It’s hard to convince the hubby to be on board with my ideas sometimes because he too just wants to relax.

      I’m not too much older than you, and I’ve had the same issue (for years!) with finding people my own age who don’t want to go out and just drink or party. The people who don’t fall into that category have kids, and again, that’s not something I can relate to now unless “kids” means “dogs”.

      So, yeah, welcome to the club! 😉

      1. bloodstripewife

        Haha laughing at the no kids and no job thing because that is definitely the boat I’m in! It’s really tough to find friends that aren’t crawling with kids! Actually because of that I’ve started hanging out with a couple retired spouses. Fortunately they’re super neat people and also in the same stage of life; no kids, no full time job!

        Back to your original post, my husband and I went through the same thing. We have few hobbies in common other than watching movies and discussing them. We are a couple that balances each other out with differences instead of being closely matched, and he usually wants to stay home and hide on his days off. However, when I stayed at home with him his nitpicking/nagging side comes out very strongly, so It didn’t take me too long to get sick of his bs (yes I am the man in the relationship lmao).

        For me the solution is to live my life the way I want to because I never know if he’s going to be home half the time anyway. If he has something specific he wants me to do with him, then I will drop my plans to make that a priority, but otherwise I go out and do my thing and he is more than welcome to come along if he can maintain a positive attitude. I believe in quality over quantity and I’d rather have our times together be pleasant.

      2. cautiouscrow Post author

        You may be onto something with the retired folks. The only people who ever seem to give me the time of day (ie: a simple hello) when I’m out and about are “past their prime,” so to speak. We don’t live in a military-dominated area (it’s not base or military housing), and the “natives” aren’t too friendly or don’t speak English very well. I don’t want to be a creeper though and try to chat up strangers when I’m out walking the dogs, hah. How did you end up meeting these people? I’m not so good in that area.

        Oh, I totally know what you mean about the nitpicking. I married a self-confessed control freak and we butt heads over certain things. If we spend too much time together without doing anything constructive, good things don’t necessarily happen. Arguing, eye rolling, etc.–the usual. 😉 I’m glad to hear about your idea of doing your own thing, but offering an invite anyway. We do that with each other too, but sometimes I need to realize that it’s okay if I say “no” to something, no matter how guilty I may feel at the time. I’ve got to be happy too, right?

  4. bloodstripewife

    Oh man here I was thinking I was the only crazy person to knowingly marry a self-confessed control freak! Haha! Yes to clarify about living the way I want, I’m learning that marriage is a fine balancing act between serving your spouse and sometimes sticking up for yourself. I think it’s okay to change parts of yourself for their comfort (I mean you’re in it for the long haul so some compromise has to happen) and I’m generally down with that, but the nagging because he gets bored or we don’t want the same things; I’m not cool putting up with that.

    Hmm I would consider getting in touch with your OSC/ESC club if you aren’t already. That’s how I met these ladies is they showed up to some of the functions and were social in general (actually my husband knew one of them before I even moved out as, she and her husband were both retired Marines and still active in the MC community), and before you know it I was playing bunco in a regular group with other retired-age women! I fully admit I owe a lot social-wise to my retired friends; they introduced me to a lot of people. If you find one that’s friendly and not crazy, snap her up!

    I do live on base but a lot of people don’t because it’s kind of a wasteland out here. Consequentially we almost have 2 different groups; base people and out-in-towners. A bunch of spouses set up a “Off Base Coffee Group” on Facebook unrelated to an official spouses club and that’s pretty successful. I also try and attend any kind of FRO meetings our unit has because that can be another good place to meet spouses going through similar things.

    I’ve had less luck finding people my age and in my stage of life, but I did create a Facebook group for that actually. Anytime I find a spouse who fits, I add her to the group and send out get-together invites to everyone; brunch, seeing a movie, sporting events, whatever. I’m up to 5 people by the way haha!

    1. cautiouscrow Post author

      I may just be oblivious, but I don’t know of any ESCs here besides the standard command FRG and I haven’t heard a peep out of them in a loooong time. Even when I was active duty myself, it didn’t seem like the spouses of my co-workers really had much interaction together. Maybe it’s an enlisted Navy thing..? Or because we don’t live in military housing..? I don’t know. I do know that I’ve researched ways of finding new friends to almost extreme levels and haven’t had a whole lot of luck. But, it’s a work in progress.

      I’ve met some other milspouses since I’ve started volunteering at NMCRS, but I don’t feel comfortable enough yet to want to “hang out”. It takes me awhile to warm up to people. I do think I might get along with one or two people on a common-hobby basis, but we’ll see. 🙂 Your Facebook group sounds really interesting, and might be something I’d be interested in doing around here…if I knew where to find the people!

  5. bloodstripewife

    I think the hobby basis is a good idea, that way there’s less pressure to “like” someone off the bat. If you guys are sharing in a mutual hobby it makes it easier and less social pressure in a weird way. Two groups my spouse club does is book club and wine club. Those are great because you don’t have to sit around making small talk if you don’t want to because you have that hobby to talk about. Also, you’re a dog person and that’s a really good thing for meeting people I think. Find people who want to meet up and take their dogs hiking once a month; a lot of people do that here cause we are close to trails. Poor me is not a dog person (I love cats) and has no kids so I have to work extra hard to have things to talk about hahaha.


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